|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
Susan Stark ? Most people probably haven't heard of Susan Stark.
She's the film critic for the Detroit News, whose name you may see from
time to time underneath those one-word reviews they post on TV ads.
("?Spectacular?")
I mention her here because I think she's the model on which the snobby,
gabby, ego hound intelligentsia movie critics are based. Let's take
a look at her profile:
1. She's a movie critic who sees herself as a film critic. You guys all know what I'm talking about. If there are social issues, stiff-lipped actors or British accents, she'll give it journalistic fellatio. The inventory of the movies she's loved is crammed with obscure art films I guarantee no one has ever heard of. She doesn't rate movies with stars or thumbs, but with roses. But how useful is a four-rose review for a movie that nobody wants to see?
2. Susan secretly dreams of doubling as an art critic.
She seems to pride herself on critiquing the art in movies. She'll
blab on about the palette, the hues, the textures, the tones, yadda yadda
yadda. She'll point out the rich use of blue and the psychological
undertones of green and so on. Do hockey fans care about the hues
and tones of a playoff game?
I doubt it.
3. She doesn't review "flicks". If a movie has toilet humor, foul language, gratuitous violence or sex jokes, it's a safe bet Susan won't review it. Those movies she leaves for the other staff writers to sit through. And most times, I prefer their reviews over hers. At least they watch a movie like they're watching a movie and not critiquing le cinema.
4. Susan loves to impress readers with her vocabulary. In any given review, you'll see phrases like "self-abnegating", "reticence", "tribalism", "outre". Maybe you know what they mean, maybe you don't, but is it really necessary to need a dictionary to read a friggin' movie review?
5. Susan loves "girl" movies, hates "guy" movies. I don't care what kind of garbage movie it is, if it has a strong female lead or deals with female issues, Susan will give it major points. On the opposite end of the spectrum, if it's a movie for guys starring guys who are doing guy stuff, she'll either pan it or leave it to a staff writer to review.
6. She loves to push her knowledge of film history. No matter what movie she's reviewing, Susan will compare and contrast it with scores of other movies. This may be a useful tool for comparison; As in, if you liked Movie A, then you may like Movie B. But Susan will namedrop with references to movies nobody's ever seen, almost as if to remind us just what a film connoisseur she is.
7. Susan seems to believe that the only good movies are made in France, Great Britain and certain parts of New York City. She reviews them like she's sampling caviar. American movies, on the other hand, are like junk food as far as she's concerned. And she doesn't do much to disguise her contempt for them, or for the American moviegoing public.
The bottom line is this: Who the hell is Susan Stark reviewing movies
for? Not for regular people, that's for damn sure. She and every
other critic like her need to learn one cold, hard fact: we go to the movies
to enjoy ourselves for a couple of hours, just like we do when we go to
a football game, see a concert, or go out for dinner. It's a little
escape from our daily grind, and all we want from critics is to tell us
whether a movie is worth our eight bucks or not. We don't care about
palettes or
cinematography or any of that crap. And we don't care how witty
or smart or well-connected the critics are. The movie is the entertainment,
not the movie critics.
But I guess I can't blame Susan Stark too much. She's got to make a living, too. I mean, how else would she be able to afford that big house in Bloomfield Hills and attend all those lavish snob parties? And if she didn't review films, how else would she be able to discuss hues and palettes with her artsy friends?
Me, I just want to take my wife out for a burger, some bowling, and see a cool movie that we'll both enjoy. I'm not asking too much, am I, Susan?
- Den. <dennis.g.stephens@gm.com>